This blog has been sitting in the notes section of my phone for almost three months. I’ve been scrolling past it, pretending it wasn’t there. The Lord put this on my heart, but I really don’t want to write this. It’s kind of the last thing I want to do. What if someone judges me? What if some of my youth kids read this? Or that cute guy from church? Or my boss? Or worse…. my dad.
But, when the Lord asks you to do something, you do it. No matter how scary it might be.
So, let’s dive in.
I am a woman who struggles with sexual sin and have been for almost nine years. I am a woman who was sexually assaulted at a very young age. I am a woman who once struggled with porn and on my honeymoon night, my husband will not be the first man I’ve ever had sex with.
So there, it’s out there.
Now, lets move onto something else for a second.
My friend Rachel and I were having coffee one day when the topic of women, sex and the church came up. She was talking to me about this sermon some pastor did on purity and how he pretty much passed a rose around the room and by the time it got to the last person, he asked “Now, who would want something that’s been passed around like this rose?”
I hope I never meet that man because if I do, there’s a pretty good chance I’m going to punch him in the face.
The way women and sex (and sex in general) are talked about in church is heartbreaking. It’s filled with shaming and fear mongering instead of celebration, love, grace and acceptance.
I wasn’t aware of this whole “purity” culture thing until I became a Christian and let me tell you, I’m not having it. Not now. Not ever.
I’m all for promoting abstinence. I don’t believe in and fully understand why two people shouldn’t have sex if they aren’t married. Sex is a powerful, powerful thing that can only withstand the power of a godly marriage. (Hello, I’ve done it. I get it).
However, I am not for shaming women and men into not having sex. I am not for all this “your sex organs are flowers” talk. I am not for telling girls and boys that they should feel shame for wanting to have sex. I am not for shaming women and men who have by telling them their honeymoon won’t be as special ( that happened to me once).
We’ve got to do a better job with our brothers and sisters because guess what? Your sex drive shows up long before your spouse does. And if we don’t execute this beautiful thing we call sexuality properly, we are going to get ourselves into some deep trouble.
I know women who said that they will feel dirty on their honeymoon after they make love with their new husband (WHAT?). I know women and men who don’t think someone will ever love them because they’ve had sex before. I know women (myself included), who are too afraid so speak up about their sexual sin because the church has somehow convinced us that we should have no desire for sex.
It’s ridiculous. It’s a lie.
Sex is beautiful. Sex is wonderful. Sex is good. God created it. He wanted it for us and gave both men and women a beautiful design when it comes to it.
I don’t think God is happy when we shame women (or men) when it comes to their sex drive.
So, for the girl (or guy) who struggles with sexual sin, just hear me when I say this:
You are not your sin. You are not your past. You are not what you’ve done or what’s been done to you. You are not some rose that’s been passed around the room that no one wants.
You are loved. You are worthy. You are able to overcome your sin if you have God on your side. Your craving for sex is normal, good in fact. You are better than what porn offers. You deserve a healthy and fulfilling sex life with your spouse and God thinks so too. You are a child of God that was given a unique sexuality and that’s not an accident. God still wants you, no matter what. You are not too dirty or messed up for Him. I want to tell you right now that Jesus wants you. You’re not some wilted rose that He thinks is ugly. You’re beautiful to Him. He will always choose you.
Now, I’m not here to encourage sexual sin. In fact, I’m totally against it and all the devastation it creates. I’ve experienced it personally and I don’t want it for anyone.
That’s why I wear my purity ring. It represents the vow I have made to God and my future husband to stay sexually pure no matter what. That includes therapy, not watching certain shows, having accountability partners, audacious prayer, self care, not engaging in certain conversations and keeping strict boundaries between myself and my fellow brothers in Christ.
There are so many resources for the healing from sexual sin. There are so many people who are willing to help and I hope this platform God gave me is one of them.
So, let me end with this:
Yes, I am a woman who struggles with sexual sin. I am a woman who was sexually assaulted at a very young age. I am a woman who once struggled with porn and on my honeymoon night, my husband will not be the first man I’ve ever had sex with.
However, I am also a woman who has been made new in Christ. I am a woman who has been washed clean. I am a woman who by the grace of God, has learned how to tackle this sin head on and not let it win. I am a woman that God chose despite my past.
I hope this blog is helpful to someone and if you, my reader, needs to talk to someone about sexual sin, my email is firstname.lastname@example.org.
I will always be here for you no matter what and I hope you understand this is a safe place.
All my love,
Here is Matt Chandlers reaction to the sermon I was talking about: