Its April 28, 2018 and I’m sitting in the car with not only the boy I thought I’d never see again after three years of not talking.. but the boy I was about to kiss.. for his very first time.
I remember questioning him the night we started dating and asking him if he was positive he wanted to share his first kiss with “someone like me”.
Of course he said yes.
Then he leaned over, arms crossed (making sure to not touch me of course), and kissed me.
It was easily the best kiss I’ve ever had and…I’ve been kissed more than I’d prefer.
You see,I didn’t wait until marriage to have sex. I didn’t date with good intentions. I wasnt even a Christian until I was in college and was a total mess ( still am).
I wasnt raised to believe that sex before marriage was wrong or that something as simple as a first kiss was such a special thing. (Not all of us are raised that way, just so you know and it’s not the end of the world.)
So the fact that this kind, precious, loving and seemingly “pure” person wanted to share his first kiss with me was… unbelievable. (Sometimes I still ask him if he regrets it.)
I knew plenty of girls who would have made more sense for him. You know, the obnoxiously pretty, smart ones with the perfect families who instilled sound morals into them? Yeah. That’s who he should have ended up with, right? ( sometimes we fight because I think he wants to be with someone of that status- he doesnt).
Deep down,though, there is this embedded shame and embarrassment I have about myself. Anytime I talk to someone about him I always say ” I dont get why he would want to be with someone like me. I mean look at him then look at me. It doesnt make any sense. He could be with anyone.”
And thats the mindset I still have a lot of the time. I really do believe kirk could do better and he knows it.
But here’s the thing. Hes not perfect. Hes done things far “worse” than I have.
He’s a person. A flawed person. (sorry bud I know you’re reading this).
Sure, it seems odd that two people who are so opposite wound up together. You know, he was the smart, kind, ministry loving, basically full ride to college kind of guy who girls for some reason looked over. But me? I was the complete opposite. I was wild under the sun, going surfing or running after I half way showed up to class (I did well in college, I was just outside for 90% of it), a new Christian that didn’t know what to do and always had at least one person to flirt with if not eventually date.
So why are we even together?
But that’s who Jesus is. He does crazy stuff like this and I’m learning that our relationship is one giant picture of grace.
There are so many girls( and guys) I know who feel like they could NEVER be with a guy (or girl) like him because of their past. But here’s what I’m learning and it’s something I want you, guy or girl, to start saying to yourself.
I do deserve to be with someone whose amazing and God thinks so, too.
Kirk is what I deserved this whole time. I just didn’t know it until I learned who God was. Why would God, my Creator who loves me, want me to be with someone who doesn’t pursue me, love and respect me?
HE WOULDNT. THATS NOT WHO HE IS.
He loves us, values us, wants the best for us. It’s like you’re parent saying you deserve someone who doesn’t treat you well. That makes no freaking sense.
Because it’s not supposed to.
We are all, believe it or not, worthy of respect and love regardless of our past.
No one is perfect. Not even Kirk.
And how relieving is that?
So yeah, I’m not a virgin but I was his first kiss and theres no reason to feel shame for that. I deserve him. He deserves me. It doesnt matter. We’ve been wiped clean. We are new.
I dont really know where else I’m going with this.
But just know that your past doesnt define whether or not you get to be with someone amazing or someone who’s not.
And he wants you to be with someone great.