To the girl who doesnt love her body

If you’re expecting or looking for another “God loves you as you are, you don’t have to struggle anymore” blog about eating disorders, I may have to gently suggest that you leave this website.

Or you can stay. It’s up to you.

Either way I’m still going to be way too honest here.

Okay. Let’s get started, shall we?

A few months ago, I was listening to the newest episode of a podcast I’m subscribed to that just so happened to be about eating disorders.

Okay. Nothing new here. At least that’s what I thought.

But then, thirty minutes in, all I could think to my self was: damnit, damnit, DAMNIT.

Not me.

Okay, sure. My mother was no voice of empowerment for womens bodies or healthy eating and confidence in my physical appearance or really anything isnt something that comes naturally to me.

But it’s me. You know. The girl that essentially lives outside and drinks celery juice. Come on. I rock climb, hike, kayak and run! I’m at a healthy weight. I look like you’re average American 23 year old and I believe God wants me to look the exact way He made me.

But, no. This podcast was spot on. As she dove deeper into her past with an eating disorder, everything started to make sense.

While I’m not anorexic or bulimic and never have been and want to maintain a wild amount of sensitivity toward such a serious and devastating issue, It doesn’t mean something’s not wrong.

You see, as I did some more research, reflection and had hard conversations with people I love, it all boiled down to the fact that I am a binge eater and have an above average case of body dysmorphia.

And man, I wish I could write to you saying that I immediately brought it to God followed by some pinterest worthy picture on my Instagram that would convince you I was healed.

But no.

I ignored it. For months. Rediscovered it reading a book. Brought it back to God with a sore heart and not a whole lot to say.

And then just kind of sat there having a kit kat for dinner on my floor until the idea to write about it showed up.

You see, friends. We dont all heal quickly. I know I dont because I like to ignore things. I dont know how to fix this and I dont know what to say.

Sure, I think every person who reads this, man or woman is a beautiful, child of God who is worthy from head to toe. I really, really do.

But I dont want to give you another prosperity gospel blog. I also dont want to be cynical.

I want to be honest.

I dont know what I’m doing. Im still coming out of a clinical depression that has led to an array of problems (such as this).

This is all new to me and someone telling me they find me attractive doesnt do a whole lot for me.

They dont have to look at me every day. They dont have to be inside of my head.

It’s kind and appreciated, but it doesnt make it go away.

I’m not exactly sure how to talk to Jesus about it or what to ask for and I’d love any insight if you’ve got it.

I dont want to be another person who gives you tips and tricks on how to overcome things.

Because I’m not that person yet.

Instead, I’d like to walk with you if that’s alright. Ask you questions. Sip on something and listen to your heart or sit in silence. Pray for you and have you pray over me.

You see, friends. I dont want to be yet another person who spits out a bunch of inspirational stuff.

I just want to be a person who offers honesty and healing.

No matter how long it takes. For the both of us.

All my love,

The podcast: Real Life Podcast with Jeff and Alyssa Bethke.

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